Dear Karen, I am not married because...

Dear Karen, I am not married because...

The answer to the question, posed by Karen Alchorn to me on the day of Erica Crystal Patterson's funeral, still rings in my head years later.

I remember being surrounded by a large group of women i barely knew or hadn't seen for years and having had a week of sadness whilst working on the video of her photographs for the service.
I was hit with the question at my most vulnerable state of being. What a bitch.
I want to believe her intentions innocent, but I can't help but wonder...

But it really is a legitimate question if without malice ~
so the inventory of my mind and choices is examined.

I can honestly say, that I have been with some exquisite men, but none that I could have married.
I require a level of honest communication and mood accountability that is very hard to find. But without these things i believe a marriage would fail .

So, I act out not, on desperation,
but on faith in myself on my own.

He liquified me ...

Music was the best lover I ever had ~
it would instantly integrate me, ignite me, charge me up like a switch clicking ON .

It would lull me, mellow me and seduce me into calm like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders on a dark, snowy night by the fire.

Music is magic. Any mood I want to be in, any mood I want to be out of, music is the tool of change.

And then I met him....  the musician, the poet, the maker of the music, the ultimate power tool of love.

He liquified me .....

his rhythm is a symphony ~

Everyone has a rhythm

one boy's a rock song
the other a symphony

she is more like a ballad
her sadness needs sympathy

don't interrupt in the middle
listen the whole way through
it will surely diminish your judgments
allow your mercy to shine through you

the Lion, the Queen and the Art Gallery

I could smell his scent of sage and musk waft by as he opened the door for me, upon our arrival at the Art Gallery in Beverly Hills.
I didn't know that he knew about manners and upscale behaviors, so i was happily surprised that I could take him with me and he would acclimate.

We slowly circled the room attached by a magnetic field that I am certain was spotted by the conservative guests around us.
He sat me down on a leather armchair in the center of the room ,
bent to his knee, took my hand gently and nobly in his,
"ah dear lady, this chair is suited for a Queen, and you are quite suited for me."
and then he licked my bejeweled hand from tip of finger to wrist, like a big lion.

film idea~ 'Young Maude'

As we all know, Maude, from Harold and Maude, was an aquarian through and through.

This is the story of Maude as a young woman and how she got her spirit !

Diamonds are not everybody's best friend.

Diamond minors slaughtered by the hundreds, to take over shafts of Blood diamonds, to launder through other places, and fund fascist dictatorships ~ 
all on the backs of American Brides and their fantastical belief that a diamond's size represents their own self worth! 


"we must finally become responsible consumers. It is time we awaken to the reality that what we buy and where it comes from is inherently political. We must call on companies to become transparent and call out those who don't. We need to make sure that the diamond we buy to express our love is not destroying the life of someone we will never know."   Ed Zwick 

pretty winter skies

pretty winter skies
pink blends into orange into blue
right before my very eyes
the coolest wind has groomed the trees
like fairy dust it blows about the leaves
fresh scent
deep breath
a calm retreat
pretty pretty winter skies

the invisible work

When a man is at work ~
he sees it ~
he sees the results
they are tangible in a paycheck.

When a mother is at work
the view reveals its self at a much slower rate
the growth is subtle and requires patience
there is no material reward other then
healthy loving children
which is the most treasured possession one can own

so to have respect
for the caretaker of those precious children
should be a given.

Their work is invisible
unless maturity has opened up your eyes

Native LA

Being a Native from LA
there are things that are innate here that make it a unique place to live.

People come here from all over the world.
Cultures don't collide here, they blend.

People usually come here from colder places and when they acclamate to the warmth, they tend to expand.
Fits the laws of physics really.

I think this is why marriages break up easier here than in other places.
The cold weather forces people to bond together for survival.
Body heat, snow plowing, building fires,  surviving the elements together strengthens the bond.
But in the warm weather,
you can venture out quite comfortably on your own.
Alone, I walked miles in radius, exploring my world, expanding my knowledge and territory with safe interaction.

The cold contracts and the heat expands.
In LA, one will notice that laws of physics show in the behavior of the people as well.
They expand their territory, their resources, their minds.

Hence, this single girl turns into a single woman, making her way on her own, the interaction becoming observation of patterns in human nature.

'I love people, they're my species.'

love and guidance

when i first left my family home
i was on a mission
to earn my way alone

but man this world seems to be bubbling over
and the fun is long gone

everybody's so hot
 so hot tempered
and not
not blending smoothly
temperatures soaring
each one ignoring the after effects
too worried about getting theirs now
like baby's crying for the bottle
as if they might not last another second
without immediate attention

oh so many bleeding for the need of love
no tools to rise above
no explanations of where it comes from
oh yeah ~ you also had none
just a mystery to go blindly out to seek
where is the guidance of your wisdom
that i need to tweek with my own
to make my way alone

 i will pay more attention as i reassess the times
listen for the insecurity of lies
and feel free to move on if need be
towards what i project to see
the place where i can stand behind me

love and guidance

missing the music

we have all been missing the music ~ everyone I speak to from my past , misses the days when the joy was  in the music. we were such free spirits , gulping down life like 44 oz slurpees made of magic on a hot summer day.
 we were inspired, teaching ourselves instruments and finding our voices together ~ we were all in love, in friendship and in our liberty ~  it was an amazing time
we were out at the clubs, playing, jamming, circling the spiral of musicians bravely singing out their deepest thoughts and pointing out similarities in us all, the circle came together and it felt so right .... for a moment ... the view was clear and we were intrinsically a part of it ~
our time up in the hills, creating, singing, discovering, writing songs and ceremony and theatrical expressions to share openly and acceptingly ~ no competitive edge just the bonding of harmony.
music meant something deeply profound to all of us. it was our heart in the state of non judgement and complete receptivity. like a radio signal we all tuned into at the same time.
as a dancer, first, each layer of instrument was assigned a section of movement in me ~ the drums my hips, the flute my fingertips, the symbol crash , a flip of the hair and a sudden front stare.
i remember my wonder years boyfriend, with the older brother and big blue eyes, gave me my first taste of rock and roll ~ he showed me how to listen deeply to the lyrics and the instruments ~ ahhhh ~ we would make out for hours to the best music ever made ~
 after the usual scuffle at home, I could always count on the radio to reboot my mood into good. hop in my car, tune in to airwaves and find the song that marks my present emotional state. the second song was to vent the anger away, and by the 3rd tune, I'm back to happy ~
so when our little art family came together it was a dream i could have stayed in forever ~
and as i see my guitar in the corner getting dusty, i think back .... i am so missing the music.

marriage ?

I find it difficult to believe that so many men marry.
The women go in blindly , selling their souls to a man they secretly know won't hold their end up in the bargain.
I have seen these men disengage emotionally no matter how hard they pursued their female.
They lie, assign blame to their victim, weasel and sneak.
The disrespect shown to the women who have given birth to the children, nursed them when ill, followed their every whim to try and seek the love they missed from daddy.....     arrgh! makes me so mad!
I can see them try that bullshit with me ~ from the first attempts to accomplish their ego driven agenda.
I see how sweet they are when they make their carefully plotted out approaches at authentic friendship ~
they say the words all correctly, but the feeling is predatorily to me.
I listen to MY instincts. and they tell me to run!
I can see it when I try to assert my needs in the slightest way, set a boundary, take the drivers seat, know how to do a usual 'boy' task.
I can see them try to hide their frustration at the loss of complete control or the anger of the angle they did not expect.
 The men of this era do not want to take responsibility, hold themselves accountable or do any work to evolve.
And the women sit idly by in their denial and silence and feeling of powerlessness.
They act as if its all ok.
Do they not see the uneven power structure as they have to 'accidentally' get pregnant so their man will not leave them?
A women has been trained to not speak out, rock the boat or complain that the only survival technique for the female in this patriarchal financial structure is to become poor or a whore.
I have clearly lost my faith in marriage.

just shoot me

finally i have sometime to recoup and renew
and there is nothing better than curling up on my soft coach with my purring kitties and clicking around for old movies.
today ~ i stumbled upon an episode of 'Just shoot Me' where i see myself throughout the episode in the background... once again ~ 'there i am'   and there i am hidden.
 i remember it being raining and cold that season and having an affair with a musician named Andrew ~
I got to celebrate George Segal's 64th bday
and i really like my hair that way ~
i looked better than i felt ~
i sure wish I could have found a substantial character ~ i was there from very early, all day , wardrobe, hair , make up ~
being an extra is 'acting light' ~

You are what you love

He said gruffly, "Oh, you think you know me?"

I replied, "You think you are so different from any other man in this room? or woman for that matter?
I am here speaking to you in your language, with my heart beating involuntarily , just like yours. My blood is pumping my eyes are viewing and i am listening all of the time. I decide how i walk through life and what i focus on ,what i choose to feel about things. and with more information, views change.
I drive me.
 Every human in this room has or will have faced heartache and pain and love and kindness.
Its all out there all the time ~
so what is your focus?
to be so in fear of connection that you wall your self off in the guise of being unique and more than others?
If you were wounded on the streets and a person saw you, they would help you. get you to a hospital, do anything to save your life. That is the true nature of human and you should feel pride in being a part of that.
all life has value
and when you can see that
when you choose to see it clearly
then and only then will  you relax enough in your own skin to feel the confidence in happiness.
You are what you love."

transmutaions

I have discovered something about myself and how i travel in this world.
I find that people open up their deepest darkest secrets to me
in the face of my unconditional love for them.
and i mean it.
i do believe we are all connected molecularly
what happens to each of us happens to everyone
the experience of heartache and grief and guilt and anger and love and softness and error and happiness.
all experienced at different times
but we are all made of the same stuff
our bones and blood and nerves
we are little sensitive machines that last about 100 years
and all need water food love sunlight shelter and cloth
creature comforts to be the ultimate human that is happy.

and i love to share my love and passion for the world with others.
the colors the smells the humor
but when i do this
when i give my heart unconditionally and be my free spirit to them
their pain and misery takes a course through my body
that takes days to recuperate from
even in my highest logic
i must transform the unhappiness that i trade them for,
their viewpoint, their perspective, their abilities become me.

but in the end
after the process transmutes
i become their knowledge
perhaps they become my love

german love

so bound in his upbringing of restriction and fear
he is wound up so tightly
that oxygen struggles to run through his body
every breath short and strained

his eyes so blue and sad and full of guilt
I wished that like the bursting of a damn,
i could release his fears to flow out of him with a tidal wave of relief
with my loving free spirit

but i find myself
holding my own breath

you can not separate a man from his situation

warm blue water / fascinating

warm blue water absorbing me
melting in as I step into its embrace
enter its world with a big breath in
exploring the colors of its residents
 just as curious as I
watching each other in the ricocheting light

one of life's fascinations

Golden Hills of Modesto/ fascinating

Winding through the golden hills of meadows dried in the bright sunshine
like liquid waves frozen in time rolling softly to the sea
Dozens of black birds the size of big dogs with a wingspan 10 feet wide
as the sun sets over the horizon
pastels bouncing off the clouds in the sky

one of life's fascinations

The Chemistry of Love or : 1+1=3

The chemistry of love is always changing and adapting and evolving.

If you look closer
if you look deeper
if you look wiser
you will see the patterns emerge
and merge and change slightly through time
colors blending
temperatures swinging
the chemistry of love is ever expanding its elements

 nature is always recreating something new ~
a new bird develops from 2 different colors mating
a new fish is born after a storm in the far off sea
 various butterflies collect in an abandoned field...

ever changing
ever growing
ever becoming

the world is full of newness to discover
if you will only go outside and seek it.

old song that came to mind ~ 'You're not there"

played on acoustic 12 string softly and gently with a delicate hint of saddness but a resolve


reflection in a pool
i turn to glimpse the site of you
but you're not there

the ripples bring me back now
i look around
and touch the air
but you're not there


i see the fear on your face
like a mask carved of stone
your eyes call out for rescue
from their prison

the spirit behind that mask
has a life of its own
i utter words of strength
to keep you from feeling alone
strength for being alone

I know you'll be back
i feel our connection
but when i am alone
your spirits my obsession

essence taken over
mind connects to heart
i dream about the beauty
when loving becomes art


i see the fear on your face
like a mask carved of stone
your eyes call out for rescue
from their prison

but you're not there

you're not there
you're not there

love over all all all

love love love
over all all all

over money
around religion
across the tracks and that velvet lie
out of bounds with worn out shoes
under a blue sky

love love love
over all all all

beside his heart
inside his bed
near his memories and instances
part of his homestead
you will rise

love love love
over all all all

Acquiesce to accountability

Acquiesce to accountability

back when my heart was fluorescent green

my heart was fluorescent green
i was so in love with life that my heart shone right through me
i wore my love on my sleeve
and even when they took advantage of me
i let them
because if they need to trick me
they need it more then me
because im fine
independently
i can survive on anything
i adapt to my surroundings
 like air
i can morph and change and rearrange
and create anyone i want to be and where
because i know it really isnt me
its the energy that comes through me
that i share with thee
i dont need to prove im special i trust whats inside of me
and above the opposition with their bitter thoughts and mean phrases
that they picked up on tv
I release myself from their grip
by noticing what i see
and responding with thoughts and whispers that i reinforce consciously
now im not saying that its easy
to tame the rage in me
but the big picture is
that my heart is naturally
fluorescent green

Men with Catch Phrases and Warning Labels

My next book title is
"Men with Catch Phrases and Warning Labels"

'no regrets'
'but i was honest up front'
'my kids are my world'
'well, you didn't ask'
etc...

"Stare it Down until there is no more fear"

"Stare it down until there is no more fear" It is his shame, not mine"

JC Dugard

music to my eyes

flash of colored light hit my eye
the moment that he walked inside
the room dimmed to gold and shiny
and in the haze of soft focus
i saw the music coming off of him
and sounding into me to make me hum

he was music to my eyes

all eyes on them

i hate watching insecurity dominate the room.

sunday

i could happily stay in bed all day ~ kissing my sleepy purring kitty's little face while watching old movies and laughing at the comedy of life.

he just wants to Show you...

mommy was texting intently while her little boy wanted to show her the toys ~ she would look up from the device to scream at him negative things about how he wants too many things and its all too expensive and how spoiled he is ~

i told her that he doesn't necessarily need to take them home, he just wants to show them to you and have you participate in his exploration of the world.

she thanked me for my opinion and then tried unsuccessfully to alter her message. but at least she tried.

he just wanted to show her what he thought was cool ~ i wish she was nice to him.

ramblings...

staying true to genuine



i am cool because i know what grip tape is,
but i'm super cool because i actually have grip tape

The Method to Breaking up. A Lesson from a Big Sister

This is in response to watching this poor little Bachelorette, who clearly has no brothers or understanding of how boys weasel out of things, have her heart just broken.

As a Big Sister, I have had to be the girl to help the broken hearted girl after my hot brothers were unwilling to accept my method of prevention of anger.
The wake of the pain is too great to ignore.
Especially when a simple understanding and resolve will help things move on nicely.
So, dearest boys, please heed me now.


There is a method that can keep the respect for the time you did share together. Honoring the relationship you did have will set a tone that heals well like a bone set correctly before it is wrapped up in a cast to heal.

So scratch your balls and listen up!

First thing is first ~

Break up BEFORE you cheat! 

 If you can manage this .... you are Golden. 

Leaving is one thing ... cheating is definately another.

Next ~  even in a mutual break up ~ the separation of the bonds will always sting a little.

This is why it is never fun.

Always approach after anger has had a chance to dissipate. A calm mood is easier.
 Prepare for a reaction and allow it. Stay calm in the face of the painful moment of disconnect.

And ~ Be kind
 let them know why you must leave ~
let them know what you gained from them.
Leave them knowing and resolved.
Leave loved.

the bachelorette bullshit

as i watch bentley lie in the moment and narrate it with such arrogance and cocky narcissism is making me sick.
how ball-less and weak are the men we have to choose from. not one is worthy of reproduction.

he braggs about lying
as if it were an accomplishment
apparently he is not use to having people believe him.
why would he expect someone to not believe his words.
how worthless have they been to him his whole life.

why he has no self respect to just own the truth and tell it gently
like a man that someone would want to be with

gucci boots in nyc

I'm in a 2 dollar pair of old, black gucci boots, that i acquired from a young starlet on the streets of hollywood~
Now in nyc ,I slip on down the streets on the ice that has camouflaged itself as the avenue ~
I strain my neck, to find the sky between the scrapers holding it hostage up 1000 feet high ~
as it starts to rain, i duck inside and find a painted, starry night and hot tea.

a season to prepare

While photographing Tyler with his family before the Bar Mitzvah ceremony,
Erica said to me , " well Lys, this is it with me and my kids "
 and I said, " what are you talking about ?We have graduations and weddings and their kids ...
There is tons more"
and she shook her head and gave me sad eyes and said, "nope, this is it"

I didn't understand
and the 3 months later she passed away ~

I believe now that our body gives us a season to prepare.

Surface Blind ~

As I look in the mirror and criticize my barely aging face ~ I wonder why I care about this now?

Maybe because it's present, maybe because it is pointed out to me in others in the media everyday.
 But I find myself noticing faults in others where I never even thought about those petty things earlier.

In my eyes I see the beauty ~ I pick it out specifically, intentionally, with consciousness ~
I never noticed the 'imperfections' of others.
Nature is perfect , as is.
It is the color on butterfliy wings.
It is the shapely leaves as they turn light to dark green.
It is the elephant and the zebra at the same watering hole every summer.
It is the scent of orange blossom in the unseen sky.

I never saw the fat on the kid ~ i saw the kid and his smile and his funniness.
I never saw the pimply face ~ i just saw a shy kid needing someone to instigate conversation for him.
I never saw the celulite on the girls thigh, or the nose that may have been larger than some ~
I was too busy seeing the energy they put out ~ their personality.

and fuck  ~ nature is nature is nature ~ why would i believe anything else?
So now when the brainwashing i have allowed in somehow rears its psychic vampireness
~ I must disengaged it ~

I am going back to being Surface Blind

Things I had to find out the hard way...

you cannot separate the situation from the man ~
no matter how special they are , how deep the feeling goes, his situation always plays a roll ~
so choose who you want to follow wisely ~~~

 angry is the weakest position to be in ~
it means you are hurt and reactionary
when you are calm in the face of chaos ~ and no matter what anyone else does , you do not react
that is pure strength

love is a component of 2 immune systems enhancing each other for offspring ~ 
if someone does not return your love , it is not because you are not good enough ~
it is because your immune system does not coincide with their's ~
learn what you can and move on.

the decline of the nuclear family

I am so sad to witness time and time again ~ the decline of the nuclear family as we used to know it ~
A marriage meant something solid, commitment was respected, a man took pride in his family and his word, ethics were what we all were striving for... to be better people and evolve as a society.

It seems now, that almost every man feels that committing to one woman for life is some sort of punishment, despite the fact that that woman gave his children life.
Ironic that they seem to feel as if it lowers their status to be honorable.

The more powerful the men seem to be ~ the less honest and reliable they become.
The more narcissistic, and demanding they are, the easier it seems to intimidate and dominate the people they choose to honor with their presence.
They lie, they cheat, they feel entitled to do as they wish, regardless of the consequences.

Because the men own the 'money game' they dominate the women into denial, a type of submission.
The women accept this behavior.
 Perhaps out of fear, insecurity, or maybe just laziness, the women are observed to be passive aggressive to get their needs met and use manipulative tactics to maneuver their lifestyles and keep their children as safe as possible.

Now it seems, to be married is something to survive itself, rather than it being the safe place to fall.

Fire Horse girls

Born at a time when a shaman star configuration occurred in the sky during the Chinese year of the Horse, in the once in 60 year element of, Fire, leads to a life of erratic happenings ~
 In ancient China the girl babies born that year were killed.
I believe this is because Chinese women are expected to follow silently and obediently.
Being born a Fire Horse girl makes that quite impossible. No matter how hard we try to blend in, or create a plan, something always disrupts and causes the need to change and adapt.

I use to think it was simply the artist path i have been on in all of its chaotic intrigue , but I now know that even following society's path of norm, family and kids, also leads to the same effect.

With that understood, what should the next strategy be?

‎"a candle looses nothing by lighting another candle" Benghazi

before he lost his life in Libya, Benghazi set up cameras and mics and web connections to communicate to the world and tell them the truth of what was happening !




‎"a candle looses nothing by lighting another candle" Benghazi

Messenger RNA

everyone asks me
 why i am not married
why do you have no children?
I have explored this in depth
to realize I have tried some wonderful men on for size,
but no matter how cute they appear on the outside
I have to know their thoughts and workings
on the inside.

as we encounter trouble, which happens everyday ~
how do they handle the situation
how do they handle me?
Can they communicate on the level?

This i now know to be true
to sustain a relationship forever
and have children with someone
means to me that certain skills and awareness need to be in place
or at least moving in that general direction.

and since i have floated through relationships that
leave me with new ideas and new perspectives revealed to me by some amazing men
I must float on in the face of opposing forces
and continue to gather and to teach
just like messenger RNA

I must take the leap into the unknown and float along until i am taken in by a new nucleus
who learns from me and then sends me on my way back into the plasmatic space ~
sailing on the strings of the theory
humming from one frequency to another ~
I am a messanger RNA

teen dream

 taking care of my dear friend's teenage kids for many days, after many years of not having children to take care of, lends me great perspective.
 the innocence of raw emotion and reaction that i have been weening myself of as an adult , comes roaring back to life in a reminder of what passion looks like in it's purist form.
 As a mature adult for a couple of years now, I have trained myself to think before i act, to analyze before i buy,brush my teeth before bed, and to control my impulses ~ knowing the domino effects and rationalizations, calms one down in the heat of a moment and levels the mood ~
I see my parent friends bend back and forth between rational thought and outbursts of frustration
I now, completely understand the exhaustion that goes along with the mood swings and the half truths of a growing human ~
but I must say that
the teens remind me of blind feeling and exuberance ~
and i take on my life with an invigorated sense of play ~

<3

Dear Mr. President

It is a scary thing to have to choose between gas to get to work or lunch!
  This is very reminiscent of the Bush years ~  please Stop choking out California with the highest gas prices and the most absolute NEED.
 I wish people understood WANT vs NEED
they WANT  iraq to be capitalistic ~
we NEED attention on our own soil ~
Don't punish the teachers ~
 the budget needs to be balanced
from the DEFENSE BUDGET!!!!!
They WANT $10,000 toilets~
We NEED smarter energy!!!
get it?
got!
GOOD!


Thanks for listening ~
carry on ~

Generating Love ~

Seeing him from across the room
at the designated time in a crowded space ~
the lightening, white and flashing into me instantly
sparked from our locked stare.
heart, jump started into passion and desire ~   
breathing deeper upon first sight
as the magnet draws him nearer
butterflies fluttering me numb
anticipation of the electrifying connection upon contact
ahhhh love ~ ain't it grand? 

It has been so long since I have felt that spark.
I wonder sometimes if ever I will feel it's warmth again.

But saddened, i do not long to be ~
for I have, in my life, loved
and loved deeply
probably more intrically than most
for i have explored many forms of its magic

it is delicious
it is draining
it is inspiring
it is annihalating

it is the most beautiful experience i have ever had ~

I do hope to see it's majesty again.

Bruno Mars is a Star

Bruno and the future chosen few of the soul/ r&b galaxy give me hope.
In the sleek suit, tight choreography and warm camradere between players, i found
the RESPECT Aretha inspires ~
Hazzah to the upcomings ~  I'm listening ~

Lady Lured ~

Well Miss Gaga~ 
your new message makes me a fan ~
yes we were born this way and should love it !

Well done butterfly!

Congratulations Egypt!

After chatting online with an Egyptian Professor while watching the revolution on the news in real time , I thought how open the world is now that the internet exists. Even used during events of usually hidden natures we can know the truth of what is going on straight from the streets.
Illiteracy and ignorance will surely be a thing of the past.

Out of the dark ages and into the light of freedom ~ Egypt is finally free!
The People have been 'Let Go' !  
They gathered peacefully , supported each other,
lifted up of their down troddened  heads,
 and found their dignified voice!
 After 6000 years of history brewing within each of their souls and DNA strands,
 I can't wait to see what they come up with ~
after the process they are about to embark upon gets back to balance.
They will be genii in their homostasus ~
time, patience, time.
I'm routing for you Egypt !