marriage ?

I find it difficult to believe that so many men marry.
The women go in blindly , selling their souls to a man they secretly know won't hold their end up in the bargain.
I have seen these men disengage emotionally no matter how hard they pursued their female.
They lie, assign blame to their victim, weasel and sneak.
The disrespect shown to the women who have given birth to the children, nursed them when ill, followed their every whim to try and seek the love they missed from daddy.....     arrgh! makes me so mad!
I can see them try that bullshit with me ~ from the first attempts to accomplish their ego driven agenda.
I see how sweet they are when they make their carefully plotted out approaches at authentic friendship ~
they say the words all correctly, but the feeling is predatorily to me.
I listen to MY instincts. and they tell me to run!
I can see it when I try to assert my needs in the slightest way, set a boundary, take the drivers seat, know how to do a usual 'boy' task.
I can see them try to hide their frustration at the loss of complete control or the anger of the angle they did not expect.
 The men of this era do not want to take responsibility, hold themselves accountable or do any work to evolve.
And the women sit idly by in their denial and silence and feeling of powerlessness.
They act as if its all ok.
Do they not see the uneven power structure as they have to 'accidentally' get pregnant so their man will not leave them?
A women has been trained to not speak out, rock the boat or complain that the only survival technique for the female in this patriarchal financial structure is to become poor or a whore.
I have clearly lost my faith in marriage.

just shoot me

finally i have sometime to recoup and renew
and there is nothing better than curling up on my soft coach with my purring kitties and clicking around for old movies.
today ~ i stumbled upon an episode of 'Just shoot Me' where i see myself throughout the episode in the background... once again ~ 'there i am'   and there i am hidden.
 i remember it being raining and cold that season and having an affair with a musician named Andrew ~
I got to celebrate George Segal's 64th bday
and i really like my hair that way ~
i looked better than i felt ~
i sure wish I could have found a substantial character ~ i was there from very early, all day , wardrobe, hair , make up ~
being an extra is 'acting light' ~

You are what you love

He said gruffly, "Oh, you think you know me?"

I replied, "You think you are so different from any other man in this room? or woman for that matter?
I am here speaking to you in your language, with my heart beating involuntarily , just like yours. My blood is pumping my eyes are viewing and i am listening all of the time. I decide how i walk through life and what i focus on ,what i choose to feel about things. and with more information, views change.
I drive me.
 Every human in this room has or will have faced heartache and pain and love and kindness.
Its all out there all the time ~
so what is your focus?
to be so in fear of connection that you wall your self off in the guise of being unique and more than others?
If you were wounded on the streets and a person saw you, they would help you. get you to a hospital, do anything to save your life. That is the true nature of human and you should feel pride in being a part of that.
all life has value
and when you can see that
when you choose to see it clearly
then and only then will  you relax enough in your own skin to feel the confidence in happiness.
You are what you love."

transmutaions

I have discovered something about myself and how i travel in this world.
I find that people open up their deepest darkest secrets to me
in the face of my unconditional love for them.
and i mean it.
i do believe we are all connected molecularly
what happens to each of us happens to everyone
the experience of heartache and grief and guilt and anger and love and softness and error and happiness.
all experienced at different times
but we are all made of the same stuff
our bones and blood and nerves
we are little sensitive machines that last about 100 years
and all need water food love sunlight shelter and cloth
creature comforts to be the ultimate human that is happy.

and i love to share my love and passion for the world with others.
the colors the smells the humor
but when i do this
when i give my heart unconditionally and be my free spirit to them
their pain and misery takes a course through my body
that takes days to recuperate from
even in my highest logic
i must transform the unhappiness that i trade them for,
their viewpoint, their perspective, their abilities become me.

but in the end
after the process transmutes
i become their knowledge
perhaps they become my love

german love

so bound in his upbringing of restriction and fear
he is wound up so tightly
that oxygen struggles to run through his body
every breath short and strained

his eyes so blue and sad and full of guilt
I wished that like the bursting of a damn,
i could release his fears to flow out of him with a tidal wave of relief
with my loving free spirit

but i find myself
holding my own breath

you can not separate a man from his situation